And then the world exploded
Carrie wasn’t a bad book. The movie doesn’t really do it any justice but the reason I like it is because, ultimately, Carrie tells a tale of vengeance and Chloe Grace Moretz does a great job at being Carrie. There’s really nothing scary about the way the story is told, so it should’ve just ended with the prom scene though.
Go on, cut a little bit deeper, let’s see how far we can go.
There are times for contemplation and today is one of those days. Submerging into my thoughts can be freeing and scary at the same time. There is a calling in my head that needs to be answered. The question is ‘where?’ Where am I standing to be exact.
I take reckless actions and prove myself things that I shouldn’t be proving. I don’t look upon myself as someone succesful or someone who’s even trying. Lately, I don’t look upon myself at all. It has been ages since I’ve tried to thoroughly analyze myself - something that has been a daily routine in the past. I don’t know if it’s necessarily a bad thing and I don’t really care. I just GO WITH IT. But at times like this, I almost force myself into self-analysis because it just feels like the right thing to do. I have countlessly noted in my past writings that odd numb sensation I can feel in my head whenever I am confronted with things. I just don’t care. It’s not like I am a totally lethargic, apathetic piece of rug but some things just don’t make a difference to me.
I have been on meds for almost a year now. They have helped me a great deal and while most of my panic attacks are history, there is one side effect that towers above the others.
I somehow can’t feel.
There is little to zero things that can move me in the slightest. Be that a positive or a negative impulse. I guess this could be something really ordinary, something everyone experiences and I’m simply comparing my current mindset with the aggravating spikes of happiness and depression in the past. Also, it’s not just the absence of feeling, it’s the inability to tell apart my emotions. Having mixed emotions has always been a part of my head but this feels like vast plains of nothingness. I don’t know how I’m feeling toward other people. I think that I am accustomed to what I SHOULD feel and that’s how I handle those relationships. I project love. I project sadness. I conjure up hate. I push on my boundaries to see if it’s real numbness or just another illusion of total devotion to nothing that I have made up.
Maybe this is all going to fade away. It’s true, that sometimes I get sudden and short bursts feelings of SOMETHING. But they go as soon as they came. I am afraid of hurting someone or myself along the way but then again, I simply don’t care. I have turned into a pinnacle of zero care which is both amazing and horrifying at the same time. I can only conclude that I am in fact my own worst enemy. With or without pills.There’s probably more to come because my head is never empty and more shit needs to be said. Remember, this is an underdog, searching for a goal here.
"I got the feeling I can break
I love anything bad standing in my way
You’re the reason I can stay
And fight you to the death
‘Cause where I stood, I will not give up”
YES! She’s back!
Posessing pristine powers
Sound surges sonically
Igniting my nemesis
With a flick of my wrist
Shutting them up
Before they can scream
Flames engulf my hands
And I unleash hell
On the go.
Through the power
Of my will.
I sit on the top of my own world that is ablaze. Numb. Feeling certain sense of power. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Some pills can give false feeling of superiority.
I have found my superpower.